Countdown to thinness

This is my first time blogging. I'm not sure what is and is not appropriate to write in these things. So...let's hope I do this right.

It's the night before our Gastric Bypass surgery. I'm calm, cool and collected. As my husband puts it...this is old news for me. I've had 5 surgeries, so I know what to expect. I have absolutely NO doubts at all that I'm doing the right thing. I may not have exhausted all my resources before reaching this decision (hitting the gym for 2 hours every day, hiring a personal trainer, etc) but I know this is the one thing that will give me my life back.

It's been a rough life. I had a previous husband that, as we walked down the street, would point out thin pretty women and say, "Don't you wish you looked like them?" It's hard to have any self esteem when your own husband wished you looked like someone else.

Now I'm married to Mark. A wonderful man. The only problem....I got toooo comfortable. I have been eating anything I want. Not caring about my looks. Not because I didn't want to be attractive to Mark, but because he was so supportive and attentive, I didn't think twice about the extra weight I've added on as being a problem.

So the years went by and more and more weight got piled on. I have had many "wake-up" moments, but none that lead me down the path of thinness. I had given thought to surgery before, what they used to call stomach stapeling, but money always seemed to stop me. Now, with my husband's insurance, I can afford to spend some money on myself, to make ME happy. It's seems as if my entire life has been trying to make others happy, not myself. At 42, it's time I took care of me.

I have told 5 people about the surgery. Not one person was outright apposed. I actually received a lot more positive feedback and well wishing than I expected, not that I needed their blessings to go ahead with the surgery.

After reading all the info on what will be expected of me after the surgery, I know this isn't going to be an easy fix. It will be anything but. I will have to make huge changes in my eating habits. For instance....where I used to skip breakfast and lunch...I absolutely HAVE to eat now, or I will be extremely sick and pass out. As many as 5 "meals" during my work time. I absolutely hate eating in front of people. I have seen their stares, the terrible looks on their faces when they see a fat person eating. I can almost hear their thought. "She doesn't need to eat. She could afford to skip a few meals. What a cow."

So what have I done? Starved myself during the day and eaten myself out of house and home during the evening. NOT GOOD!

It's now 11:15pm and I have to get up at 3:00am. We will be leaving the house at 4:15am, to arrive at Overlake Hospital by 5:30am. Mark's surgery is at 7:30 and I am to follow right after. I am not worried about me. I know I'll be fine. I'm worried about Mark. He is very worried and scared. He's never had surgery before. He doesn't deal well with unknowns. I understand the need to be prepared, but whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. Whether we have met every single person who will be in the operating room, interviewed them like a jury selection, or not. Sometimes you have to just have to let it go and believe that your higher power will keep you safe.

I am getting extremely tired now. I think I will sign off. I will write more in a few days.